|
[14 Jun 2006|03:33am] |
have you ever had one of those years..where you wish you could start over and change everything? i've had one of those nights or weeks or of course just one of those conversations that i wish i could take back or change. but as of right about now last year is when i wish i could start over from. i can seriously probably count on one hand how many things that happened this year that i wouldn't want to change. everything else has gone completely wrong. or just could have been so much better. i don't like where my life is at right now. and i'm trying to start over. i'm trying to change and forget about everything. something happened the other night that changed my whole outlook on things. sadly i can't remember much of that night but i know it was bad. probably one of the worst nights i have had in a while. just from the aftermath i know this. and i hate myself for it right now. but i can't change it. i know it made me realize how much i am unhappy and how much i want my life to be different.
i thought i was happy at one point but i'm starting to think it was all fake. and that's what i hate the most, but i'm sick of being so stupid and naive and not realizing it. i thought it was so much more than it was and the sad part is that i fought my feelings for so long. i thought they were ridiculous. but once i gave into them i was happy. but i'm starting to think that was probably one of the worst mistakes i've ever made. i really don't though because it was amazing. but i find myself thinking that if i didn't ever have a taste of love i wouldn't miss it so much and feel so lonely. those few months were great but around this time last year it all fell apart. it was to be expected i suppose but it still hurt. so much more than i thought it would. and its so pathetic that it has been so long and i haven't completely given up.
i know i have let go of so many feelings that i used to have and when i'm not thinking about it i have an amazing time with him. it's fun and i am happy just being his friend. but occasionally i remember a time that we had or he gives me a look that just makes everything flash back and make me sad. i don't want to erase the times we had at all but if i didn't remember them it would make things so much easier. and it would make things so much easier if i thought he gets those occasional feelings too. not that it means anything now but it would assure me that what we had was real and that i'm not stupid for the way i felt so long ago. that is what kills me the most. i get so angry at him because i don't think he cares or ever cared. and it makes me feel so stupid for everything i ever did or felt.
i don't want to lose him as a friend but if i don't start changing my life i think i may. and that makes me as sad as our lost memories do..
|
|
| so don't tell me that you're leaving, 'cause i wont know what to say... |
[15 Sep 2005|12:47am] |
i'm scared to let go of you. i don't want to even though i probably should. you seem to have been the best and worst thing that has ever happened to me. and i know everyone has probably felt that way at some point about someone but it is a first for me. and i don't want to lose you, although i'm not really hanging onto much here. and it seems like there isn't much to lose looking at it from the outside, but from my inside there is a lot. there's just something about you. about us. everything makes me want to hold on but everything else should make me want to let go. i really don't believe that i will ever meet anyone else like you and i will never be so connected to someone ever again. that sounds stupid i guess, but i feel that way. i hope nothing was ever fake and i only feel this way because you tricked me into it or anything. i hope how you said you once felt was real because it would kill me if it wasn't. maybe that's what i'm holding onto still. the hope that everything you have ever said to me or felt for me wasn't bullshit. but if it wasn't why are things so different now. i just wish things were back to the way they used to be. but i doubt they ever will be, and i really don't think you want them to be anymore.
i know that i'm young still and i will meet other people in my life and i'll fall in love with someone else someday hopefully, but even if he is a wonderful person and everything i need that you could never give me i feel like he wont be anything like you, and that makes me sad. because you are what i want. and i hate that you are, but i can't change it. i try and try but i can't. and i really don't want to either.
|
|
|
[05 Sep 2005|04:16pm] |
|
im hungryyyy. i just got on here while i was checking my email to look at old pictures and stuff and now i'm embarrassed. geez, kirstie...we used to be really ugly. and my hair has had some really bad times. and my eyebrows have been pretty insane. and i had quite a bit of chub at times. i guess i should give us a little slack because we were like 15 and 16 in most of them but still. guys liked us then? haha :) sorry for calling you ugly with me kirst, but we weren't hotties thats for sure. but we totally are now so don't worry about it ;)
|
|
|
[16 Aug 2005|05:08pm] |
so my wisdom teeth were taken out yesterday. it was one of the scariest things ever. after the x-rays and the woman talking to me about it telling me i had four and they were all under the tissue i started crying. i cried until the doctor came in and then cried a little more. i felt stupid but i was so scared of pain that i couldn't help it. but then they put me to sleep and i woke up in a different room. it hasn't been that bad though. my mouth is sore but it's not bleeding much at all anymore. i can feel the little stitches in my mouth though and all i've been doing is sleeping and taking my pills and watching sex and the city and drinking strawberry milkshakes.
kelly and danielle have been great checking up on me all the time and keeping me company. when i am up i am so bored :( a while back i had hoped that you would come check on me when you could but i'm managing without you i think. i could really use that shotgun you told me you'd give me though. i want a cigarette soooo bad. it sucks. i even asked danielle to just suck the smoke into her mouth without inhaling it and blow it into mine so i don't have to suck and get a dry socket but she didn't :( i can't wait until thursday though when the swelling should be down and i can smoke all i want and go shopping :)
i'm getting kind of sleepy again, this is the first time i've left the couch for more than a few minutes since yesterday morning. i wish i was better already. i want to go out. but i guess i'll just go take a nap instead..
|
|
|
[15 Jul 2005|01:52am] |
|
i just want to take a road trip and drive and drive away from here for a little while. but the sad thing is i want to take you with me and i cant..
|
|
| hmm |
[28 Jun 2005|07:10pm] |
|
i'm scared of what is going to happen in the future. and i'm scared of how i feel now. i just wish things were never complicated and people never made mistakes.
|
|
| yea yea |
[17 May 2005|02:40pm] |
|
i'm bored and actually not tired for the first time in forever. so i have no clue what to do because lisa is taking a nap. school is pretty much finished today for me and that is quite exciting. maybe i will go pick up my paycheck.
|
|
|
[22 Dec 2004|12:37am] |
christmas is almost here. i already opened my presents...from my mom at least. i'm excited to see the little things i get from friends still though. and i'm excited to have our christmas party that i guess we are having on christmas night. so i hope that happens. it will be fun.
i'm actually having a nice month or so. i haven't said i hate my life too much this month. ha, i might actually be somewhat happy. or content at least. so that's good.
school is going good. i still hate to go but i try to get up and go more than i used to. i still don't attend a whole lot, but enough. my grades for pcc were great and mckeel's are looking good too but the end of the semester isn't until like two weeks after we get back from break. but they will be fine, i'm sure. i'm only somewhat worried about my chemistry, but it's not too bad.
i definitely am over douche bag greg that's for sure. so that's a good thing. i am happy about that.
and i met a new friend, brock. he's nice. and cute. and i like him i think. he's fun to hang out with and i enjoy spending time with him. i am not falling for him or anything..i just like him and like to see him. and i hope to keep it that way. i don't feel like dealing with feelings or anything like that. it never works out good anyway. but he's cool and someone who has filled up a lot of my time lately.
i never write in this anymore. i don't know why really. i get bored a lot still but i don't sit on the computer too much anymore. which is probably a good thing. it feels kind of weird to write in here now though. i don't know why. i feel like i'm writing a letter to someone or something, i don't know..
i am waiting on someone to come home. everyone is out. i went out with leah tonight and we had fun. now i am home though and feel like going outside but no one is here to sit out there with me and it is freeeeeeezing. it's not supposed to be this cold in florida. psh.
|
|
| i hate my life ...lisa it's #5 for today |
[01 Nov 2004|11:23pm] |
well chad threw a really awesome halloween party. i had a lot of fun and the decorations were great. the time change made it even better because we gained an extra hour to party. haha.
i haven't been getting on here much lately, but i got on to see all the pics of us on halloween that everyone posted on their journals. i guess i will put some of them on mine too.
( everyone has probably seen these already from jessica or whoever... )
p.s. my birthday is in a week
p.s.s. i hate my life...#6
p.s.s.s. i love lisa wilkerson
|
|
|
[18 Sep 2004|12:28am] |
jessica, lisa and i went to the drive-in tonight and saw without a paddle. it was funny.
my ringtone on my phone is a guy singing to me ...brittany, brittany, brittany, oh brittany pick up your phone.
it's pretty amazing.
where is everyone lately?
and where is all my money lately? i can't seem to find it.
|
|
| yea |
[04 Sep 2004|10:20pm] |
dear hurricane rape me in the ass-
i hate you and you need to die because i can't go outside lisa's house right now. and i appreciate that you made my work close on the only day this week i was scheduled to work and so now tomorrow i can't make a lot of money. thank you oh so much.
so yea, fuck this hurricane. i have to go because i cut my foot earlier and now my shoe is filling up with blood.
p.s. kirstie stop making up stories on your journal about things you think i do when i'm drunk.
|
|
|
[16 Jul 2004|11:35pm] |
i don't know what's up lately. i seem to not understand when jessica says things like "i miss the old simple brittany in converse." and i say "you never knew me when i was like that!" and her say "yea, that's how i met you." i guess it doesn't make sense to me because i can't see much that has changed. i wish i could say well i'm comfortable how i am now so why can't you be..but i don't know if i am.
and i don't know why spending time with two of my best friends felt weird the other night. i feel like they hate me. until we just started laughing and goofing around taking pictures it was almost uncomfortable. i don't know how i've changed and whats going on really but my friends seem to know i guess. it's odd..
i am having fun hanging at leahs all the time. but by being here i'm leaving all my other friends out. and i do miss them. a lot. i haven't seen lisa in forever it seems. and i wont even to begin on aaron and brian and all them. but it's especially weird not seeing lisa and kirst and jessica all the time.
maybe things will be different when summer is over. i don't know. i don't know what this year will be like. i don't know how i will act or who will still be my friend. i don't want to lose any of my friends. not one of them. it's almost heartbreaking to think about.
i don't want to lose greg as a friend either. i don't know what's going on with him. he has said he would call before and hasn't..but i've never really been pissy to him about it. and i don't know why i said something last night. i would be angry with any of my friends who pretty much made plans with me and then ignored them. i've done it before. it's not cool but it happens. it just would have been nice if i would have gotten a phone call to let me know what's up. that's all. tell me we will do it another night. no big deal. but please don't blow me off and then although i send you text like i did don't continue to blow me off. just say oops and try not to do it again. aknowledge me please.
my mom told me she missed me tonight. and then she said i never see you, you don't love me anymore. that's sad. but even if i did sit around at home i wouldn't see her. we do things at different times. i don't know. it doesn't bother me at all but that made me feel bad when she said that. she doesn't really care though i'm sure. it's summer..it's our break from the twins. when school starts and they come back..or johnathan comes back at least..we will probably see too much of each other.
i feel like going over jakes soon. but make everyone be there. kirstie, jessica, lisa, aaron, brian, jeff, jessica g, kyle, michelle, and whoever else i'm not thinking of that i miss from there. et can even come. we can have a party :)
i think i'm finished.
|
|
|
[01 Jul 2004|10:25pm] |
summer is so nice. i want it to last forever. no more school of any kind ever again. that would be so wonderful.
i haven't been on the computer in forever it seems. at least not for more than two minutes. during school i would sit on the internet for hours with nothing to do, but it's nice to never be bored sitting around at home.
i love my friends. even the ones i rarely hang out with lately. it seems like we all haven't hung out in our little group in forever. there's always someone missing. i miss jake's old porch where every saturday everyone went over and we all squished together and fell out of the chairs a lot too. ha.
i feel like i live with jessica and lisa. i love being around them though.
kirstie is back from her vacation. we went to the library yesterday for a bit. she stuck her skirt over my head when i was kneeling down looking at some books on the bottom shelf. it smelled. because she's gross. and i screamed and everyone stared. just kidding. i didn't scream. but it did smell. haha.
i also hung out with greg last night. that was nice. i like that boy.
i ate at harrys tonight with jessica and kirstie. it was good. i am still so full though.
alright well lisa calls. i have to go watch the soap opera that she tapes every day while she's at work. it's become a nightly ritual for me to join her in watching this. its actually kind of interesting though.
|
|
| please please please let me get what i want.. |
[09 Jun 2004|04:49am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 confused |
] |
i don't want them to be right..everyone.
i want to be right.
i want change. and i do want to grow up. what's wrong with that?
if i'm supposed to be so smart, why am i not smart at all?
i wish some things were different, but probably not the right things.
i don't know if i will ever change my mind about certain things. or if i will anytime soon at least.
i wonder if i will regret things later.
i don't want to regret anything.
i want to be next to you right now.
|
|
| hmmmmmmm |
[06 Jun 2004|11:51pm] |
i'm so bored right now. tonight was fun. i was with lisa all day. we ate out at chili's and then hung out at lisa and jessica's all night.
tomorrow morning..fat jacks for breakfast with jessica and kirst. and maybe i will get to see greg later on if he calls. then i work 7-10. i don't mind working so far. i've only worked 2 days though. hopefully i wont get sick of it anytime soon.
wednesday night is going to be fun. dinner and a movie. and then thursday maybe ibar. that i am looking forward to big time. it sounds so exciting. hehe.
well i suck and have nothing to say and nothing on my mind. oh well.
( us chillin at jakes and my new hair. )
|
|
|
[01 Jun 2004|03:42pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 blank |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
counting crows |
] |
a.w.k. tomorrow. uh oh. i am looking forward to it just because of the way everyone talks about how crazy it is. and even if i wasn't though jessica and lisa's excitement is enough to make me excited. haha.
i also have an orientation thing to go to for pizza hut tomorrow afternoon in bartow. fun fun.
jessica is doing my hair tonight. yay.
i went swimming 3 times yesterday. and the bbq at brian's was fun.
i want to do something crazy tonight. i have no clue what that would be but i slept until 3pm today and i know i will not be tired tonight. hmmm.
well lisa is almost finished getting dressed so i will go now.
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
mystarsfall's journal
apathetic